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Navigating relationships as a parent and carer
Parenting is a journey that comes with rewards and challenges, one that requires resilience and understanding, especially when raising children with additional needs such as autism.
This unique parenting path can significantly impact relationships, affecting many aspects of life from financial decisions to emotional wellbeing. It is important for parents and carers to nurture their relationships and seek supportive networks to maintain a healthy family dynamic.
The realities of autism and relationships
There is no doubt that a child’s autism does impact the relationship of the parents or carers. But it is important to know that the claim that 80% of parents separate or divorce is a myth. Although this mythical statistic is still bandied about, you would be wise to ignore it as it has no basis. (This is just one of many autism myths that you need to come to terms with.) It is undeniable that the presence of autism in a family does bring unique challenges that can affect the relationship between parents and carers.
Studies examining divorce rates among parents of children with autism have shown mixed results. Some findings suggest a slightly higher divorce rate, while others report figures similar to the general population. Factors such as the age of the parents at the time of the child’s diagnosis and the presence of co-occurring conditions in the child can influence these outcomes. Despite these challenges, many families find ways to strengthen their relationships and adapt to their circumstances.
Common sources of stress in relationships
Parenting a child with autism introduces several stressors that can strain relationships:
- Financial strain: The additional costs associated with therapies and care for a child with autism can lead to disagreements if not managed carefully.
- Changes in working life: One or both partners may need to alter their career paths or work schedules, which can bring about their own set of stresses.
- Shifts in family roles: Often, one partner may take on a larger share of caregiving and household responsibilities, potentially leading to feelings of isolation or resentment.
- Decisions on therapy: Choosing the right therapies and support for the child can be a source of conflict, especially if parents have differing views on the best approaches.
- Emotional distress: Witnessing a child in distress can be upsetting and may affect a parent’s emotional health.
- Managing challenging behaviours: Disagreements in handling difficult behaviours such as aggression can further complicate parental relationships.
Strengthening relationships
Despite the pressures, there are several strategies that parents can employ to strengthen their relationships:
- Communication: Maintaining open lines of communication is crucial. Regularly discussing feelings, experiences, and concerns can help partners stay connected and understand each other’s perspectives.
- Teamwork: Sharing responsibilities related to work, home, and childcare can prevent burnout and build a stronger partnership.
- Support networks: Engaging with community resources, therapists, and support groups can provide the necessary tools and advice to manage stress and relationship strain.
- Self-care and relationship care: Making time for personal care and couple activities can reinforce the relationship and provide much-needed breaks from daily stresses.
- Flexibility in decision-making: Adopting a flexible approach to therapy and caregiving decisions, such as trialling different methods for set periods, can reduce conflicts and foster a cooperative environment.
- Seeking professional help: Couples counselling or therapy can be beneficial, particularly when facilitated by professionals experienced in working with families affected by autism.
- Patience: Forgiveness, kindness, and understanding toward each other can make a big difference. Parenting children on the autism spectrum is hard, and no one can ever get everything right the first time. Compassion for yourself and your partner will help a great deal.
Resources for relationship support
If your relationship is under stress, then couples counselling can be helpful. This can be provided by a counsellor or psychologist, which can be private or provided at no or low cost, depending on your income. You may be eligible for counselling and carer support through your child’s NDIS plan.
Several organisations offer support and counselling services to families affected by autism:
- Relationships Australia: Offers various services, including counselling and family therapy, to help address relationship issues (Contact: 1300 364 277).
- Family Relationships Advice Line: Provides advice and referrals to support services across Australia (Contact: 1800 050 321).
Community and online support groups
Joining autism-focused support groups can provide both practical advice and emotional support. These groups allow families to connect with others facing similar challenges, which can reduce feelings of isolation. Online forums and social media groups offer accessible platforms for sharing experiences and resources.
Educational workshops and seminars
Organisations focused on autism often host workshops and seminars to help families gain a deeper understanding of autism and learn new strategies for dealing with everyday challenges. These educational opportunities also allow families to meet professionals and other families in similar situations.
Respite care
Respite services provide temporary relief for caregivers, which is crucial in preventing burnout and promoting wellbeing within the family. Even short breaks can significantly impact a caregiver's ability to maintain a healthy relationship with their partner and other family members.
Legal and mediation services
In cases where relationships do unfortunately break down, legal and mediation services can help manage the separation process, particularly in deciding custody arrangements and ensuring the wellbeing of all family members. Professionals experienced in situations involving autism can provide more personalised guidance.
Navigating breakdowns in relationships
When families face relationship breakdowns, managing the situation thoughtfully and constructively becomes crucial. This is particularly important in families where children have autism, as their needs may differ and require special consideration.
Autism affects individuals in various ways, influencing how they perceive, interact, and respond to their environments. Children with autism may have specific needs in consistency, routine, and communication that must be continuously addressed. These factors become even more critical during a relationship breakdown as the family structure changes.
Co-parenting refers to sharing parenting responsibilities to ensure the child's needs are met despite the parents no longer being in a relationship. For children with autism, co-parenting should prioritise:
- Consistency in parenting: Maintaining a uniform approach to routines and discipline helps the child understand and adapt to new circumstances more easily.
- Joint decision-making: Both parents should be actively involved in making decisions about their child's education, therapy, and health care to ensure their child's needs are fully met.
- Equitable involvement: Each parent must be equally involved in their child’s life. This involvement includes regular interaction and participation in the child’s daily activities and therapy sessions.
Communication between parents is fundamental in all aspects of co-parenting, but even more so in situations involving a child with autism. Open, honest, and respectful communication can significantly ease the transition and reduce stress for the child. Here are a few strategies:
- Regular updates: Both parents should keep each other informed about the child’s progress, changes in therapy, health issues, and general well-being.
- Use of technology: Technology can help share updates, manage schedules, and keep track of important information related to the child’s care.
- Professional guidance: Having a neutral third party can help facilitate communication. This could be a mediator who understands the complexities related to autism.
Engaging supportive services such as mediators, counsellors, and family therapists knowledgeable about autism can make a significant difference. These professionals can provide guidance tailored to the unique needs of the family. They can help in:
- Resolving conflicts: A mediator can help resolve disputes about parenting styles, responsibilities, or other concerns.
- Emotional support: Counsellors and therapists can provide emotional support to parents and children, helping them cope with the changes within the family.
- Creating a parenting plan: Professionals can assist in creating a detailed parenting plan that covers daily routines, education plans, medical care, and other necessary arrangements.
Keeping the child’s therapists involved is essential when parents navigate a relationship breakdown. They can assist in:
- Helping the transition: Therapists can advise how to communicate the changes to the child so that they can understand and adapt.
- Adjusting therapies: As circumstances change, therapists may need to adjust the therapy sessions better to suit the child’s evolving emotional and physical needs.
- Supporting the parents: Therapists can also educate parents on how best to help their child through the transition.
As families adjust to the new normal, it is important to monitor the child’s adjustment closely. Changes in behaviour, mood, or therapy progress can indicate how well the child is coping. Parents should be prepared to make further adjustments to the parenting plan, consult with therapists, and perhaps seek additional support.
By focusing on effective co-parenting, maintaining open communication, utilising supportive services, and working closely with therapists, parents can help ensure their child continues to thrive in a loving and supportive environment. The journey might be complex, but with the right strategies and supports in place, families can navigate these challenges successfully.