Social skill development and friendships

Helping children develop social skills is an important part of growing up, but it can be more challenging for kids on the autism spectrum. 

By recognising the value of social skills, understanding the unique challenges autistic children may face, and offering practical support, parents, carers, educators, and others can help them build these essential skills and feel more comfortable in social situations.

Understanding social skills

Social skills are what we use to connect and interact with others. These include verbal cues like talking and listening, as well as nonverbal cues like gestures, facial expressions, and body language. Social skills help us communicate, make friends, and work together—whether it’s sharing toys at preschool or taking turns at the playground on the weekend.

Important social skills for children include:

• Greetings: Acknowledging other people appropriately.
• Observing personal boundaries: Respecting personal space and standing at an appropriate distance from someone when talking to them.
• Initiating contact: Getting someone’s attention politely.
• Participation: Joining and contributing to group activities.
• Cooperation: Working together with others towards a common goal.
• Behaviour modification: Adjusting behaviour according to the social context (e.g., playing with friends vs sitting with an early learning educator)

Other important skills include:

• Communication skills: Receptive language skills (understanding what others are communicating) and self-expression. Children might use verbal communication, gestures, sign language, or alternative augmented communication (AAC).
• Behavioural skills: Behavioural challenges can be a barrier to forming friendships. Skills like sharing and managing emotions during play are critical. Learning how to cope calmly with the ups and downs of play (e.g., winning or losing a game) is also important.
• Joint attention: This involves sharing focus with another person on an object or activity, which is essential for interactive play and learning from peers. Challenges in this area can make it difficult for a child to engage with others and participate in group activities.
• Imitation: Many social interactions involve imitating others. This could be copying actions, types of play, or verbal expressions. Imitation helps children learn new skills from their peers and interact in social situations.
• Gross and fine motor skills: Participating in play often requires a blend of motor skills. Whether it’s running, jumping, or playing with small objects, these physical abilities enable children to engage fully in play activities, which are important for friendships among young children.
• Other skills: Other skills such as sharing, turn-taking, and responding to social cues help form friendships. Emotional development helps children understand and react to the feelings of others, improving their interactions and relationships.

Social participation is where these skills are applied successfully in different situations, allowing someone to have meaningful and positive interactions with other people. 

Social skill challenges for autistic children

Autistic children often find social interactions more challenging than their neurotypical peers. This difficulty stems from several areas:

• Interpreting social cues: Autistic children may struggle to read and respond to social signals like facial expressions or tone of voice, leading to misunderstandings.
• Social comprehension: Difficulty with understanding social rules and expectations.
• Rigid thinking: A preference for routine and predictability, making sudden changes or spontaneous social interactions uncomfortable.
• Self-regulation: Autistic children might struggle to develop and use self-talk strategies that facilitate self-control and appropriate social responses.
• Empathy: Autistic children may find it challenging to understand and consider other people's feelings and viewpoints, which is crucial in social interactions. On the flip side, some autistic people may have so much empathy that they constantly feel overwhelmed by the emotions and experiences of others.

Strategies for helping autistic children develop social skills

While neurotypical children often develop social skills intuitively through observing and imitating others, autistic children benefit from being given direct instruction and practice. Explicitly teaching and practising social skills in real life is key for their learning, as opportunities to apply these skills can reinforce learning.

Start small

Start with basic social skills and gradually progress to more complex ones as your child becomes more confident. Practice these skills in many different settings with different people (e.g., family, friends, in the community) so your child feels comfortable in different social situations. 

Use real-life examples

Use real-life situations and examples to teach social skills (e.g., asking your child to speak to the cashier in a shop). If your child uses assistive technology to communicate, use this in the community as much as possible. 

Reduce social stressors

Identify and manage potential triggers in social settings to prevent overwhelming situations for your child (e.g., a play date in a noisy indoor play area might not be ideal if your child is sensitive to crowds and loud noises).

Consider sensory processing

Children with autism often experience sensory sensitivities. Supporting children in navigating their sensory sensitivities safety (e.g., with noise-cancelling headphones or learning to identify when sensory overload is happening) can help them remain comfortable and engaged in social situations. 

Use praise

Positive reinforcement can significantly impact an autistic child’s ability to learn and maintain new skills. Offering praise and encouragement when your child engages positively with others helps to reinforce these behaviours.

When you observe your child sharing, cooperating, or engaging positively with others, immediately acknowledge their good behaviour with praise and a smile. For instance, if your child shares toys with a peer, saying something like "That was very kind of you to share your toys!" can encourage this positive social behaviour to be repeated in the future.

Create visual supports and social stories 

Visual supports can be a powerful tool in helping autistic children understand and follow social rules. Use pictures, symbols, or words to help your child remember how to act in different social situations. For instance, visual cue cards can depict steps involved in a greeting, or photos can show different play options available in an early education setting.

You can create customised visual supports based on your child’s preferences and learning style. For instance, if your child enjoys drawing, encourage them to create their own visual aids to reinforce learning and make the process more engaging.

Families, therapists or educators can create social stories to explain everyday interactions to autistic children, such as having a conversation, joining a game, or participating in a class activity. These stories help autistic children understand and recall appropriate social cues and responses in different scenarios. For example, a social story about joining a game should explain the steps of asking another child if you can play, waiting for a response, and what to do if the answer is yes or no.

Try role-play and practice play

Role-playing is an effective technique for preparing your child for real-life social interactions. It offers a safe space to explore different social scenarios and appropriate responses. Before attending social events or playdates, you can role-play anticipated scenarios with your child. This could involve practising introductions, conversations about common interests, or how to ask someone to play a game. 

You can engage in structured play with your child using toys to act out various scenarios. Tailor the games according to your child's age and interests. Younger children might enjoy simple movement games with few instructions, like "Simon Says" or "Hide and Seek.”

Use simple cues like "My turn" and "Your turn" to guide your child during playtime. When they follow through, use praise such as "Good job taking turns" or "Well done for sticking to the rules." This approach reinforces positive behaviour and keeps the learning process enjoyable.

Try social skills training

Structured social skills training within therapy or an alternative setting can benefit autistic children, providing them with tools to interact with others. These programs should teach emotional recognition, appropriate social responses, and peer interaction skills in a structured environment.

Work with therapists and early childhood educators

Work with educators and/or therapists who support your child to include teaching social skills in their everyday routine. This might involve buddy programs, helping create a circle of friends, or structured social lessons. 

If applicable, add social skill development goals into individual activity learning plans or similar documents to ensure these needs are formally addressed within educational learning settings such as childcare or preschool.

Friendships

Friendships play an important role in all children's social and emotional development. Although it’s a common misconception that autistic children don’t want friends, this is completely untrue - they may simply need more support to form and maintain these important relationships. A supportive circle of friends can increase self-esteem and help children manage emotions and develop skills such as negotiation, cooperation, and problem-solving.

Autistic children might face challenges during social interactions and when trying to form friendships. These challenges can vary but usually include difficulties with anxiety, social communication and understanding non-verbal cues. For some autistic children, friendship might feel like playing a game where everyone else knows the rules except for them.

Common signs of social communication difficulties in autistic children include:

• Appearing withdrawn or unusually quiet in social settings.
• Being indifferent to social interaction or other people.
• They prefer to play alone rather than with others or in a group.
• Accepting social contact when initiated but rarely initiating it themselves.
• Approaching social interactions in ways that might be considered atypical, such as being overly formal or strictly adhering to certain social scripts or rules, panicking or becoming upset when these rules aren’t followed by others.

Every child’s approach to friendship is different. Some might find joy in parallel play, such as using toys in a sandpit without directly interacting with the person next to them. Others may engage more actively through games or form a friendship group in the digital world. Whatever way an autistic child approaches friendship, any goals supporting them to socialise should meet them at their developmental stage, current capabilities, and comfort level. 

Strategies for forming friendships 

Autistic children must have consistent support for making friends at home, in early learning settings and in community environments. Making and having friends should be an opportunity in as many areas of a child’s life as possible. 

Home-based strategies

• Teach emotions by starting with the basics—happy, sad, and angry—and gradually including more complex feelings like surprise or confusion.
• Use visual supports like cartoons to teach facial expressions and emotions. Engage in activities that require mimicking expressions or understanding social cues from facial expressions.
• Encourage your child to recognise that others may have different thoughts and feelings. This can be initiated through simple comparisons and discussions about preferences and choices.
• Explain the concepts of winning and losing and the structure of games to prevent misunderstandings during play. Teach your child to recognise potential playmates based on shared interests and give them some examples of conversation starters they can use. 
• Use tools like talking sticks or timers to teach turn-taking in conversations. Board games can also be a fun way to teach these skills.
• Teach your child how to navigate making mistakes and losing in a game, and most importantly, how to continue socialising after these things happen. Visual aids can help with this.

Community-based strategies

• Know your child’s interests and strengths to connect them with like-minded peers through clubs, activities, and community groups.
• Plan inclusive activities that cater to your child’s interests and comfort level at home or in community settings. Structured groups like scouts or martial arts classes can offer supportive environments for social interaction.
• Use community resources such as playgroups and special interest classes to provide your child with additional opportunities to meet and interact with peers.

Developing social and friendship skills in clinical settings

If your child is supported by a therapy team, work closely with them to integrate skills learned in therapy into everyday situations. Consistency and reinforcement across environments are key to successful skill transfer. 

Although early intervention programs can support autistic children to develop social skills, these skills must also be practised outside of clinical settings. Social situations vary and are always unpredictable, something that is difficult to replicate in a clinical environment. The best way to build your child’s confidence in social settings is to practise these skills in as many places as possible. 

Parent/carer training

Knowing how to support your child in developing social skills and friendships can be overwhelming. Seeking education and support for yourself can help you assist your child more confidently in different situations. Participating in social skill practice in your child’s therapy sessions, or completing courses for parents and carers in teaching social skills, can be very beneficial. 

When participating in your child’s therapy, focus on gaining practical strategies around friendships that you can apply at home and in the community. When looking for helpful parent training, search for something that is practical and hands-on and is created and facilitated by qualified professionals.