Managing relationship breakdowns

Divorce and separation are never easy, but it can be particularly challenging when one partner or both are autistic.

Autism involves a broad range of strengths, challenges and support needs, which should all be considered carefully during the process of a separation or divorce to make the process smoother and less stressful for both parties. 

Understanding autism and divorce

Understanding yourself or your autistic partner is important for navigating a divorce as amicably as possible. Some autistic people may have had a formal diagnosis since childhood or have been diagnosed in their adult years. Others may self-identify as being autistic or may not have a diagnosis for a variety of reasons. When both partners understand their own and their partner’s strengths, challenges and support needs, they can manage the separation and divorce process more easily. 

Reflect on behaviours that comfort and trigger you and your partner. For an autistic person, major life changes and disruptions to routine can be incredibly stressful. By anticipating when these changes will arise throughout your separation (e.g., one partner moving out), you can both prepare for this adjustment and prevent misunderstandings, conflict, meltdowns or shutdowns. 

Autistic people are at a higher risk of mental health challenges such as depression and anxiety, especially during significant life changes like divorce or separation. It's important to acknowledge this risk and take steps to mitigate it. Be mindful of your and your partner's mental health and seek good professional support if necessary; options like couple’s therapy can provide a structured and safe environment to address emotional challenges.

Throughout the separation/divorce process, aim to collaborate rather than conflict. Reassure yourself and each other that while you are going through this, your goal is to reach a solution that benefits both parties. This approach can reduce stress and help maintain a more amicable relationship post-divorce.

Managing the divorce process

General considerations

Everyone has a preferred way of communicating, and understanding and respecting this is particularly important during an emotional time such as a divorce or separation. Some individuals with autism may prefer written communication over verbal discussions, allowing them time to process information and respond thoughtfully. Others might benefit from visual aids or structured schedules that outline key dates and important decisions during the divorce process. Understanding these preferences can help conversations become less stressful and more productive. 

Consistency in communication is also key for autistic people. When you and your partner have established the most effective way to communicate, try to stick to it. Avoid sudden changes or surprises in how and what you communicate, and give each other plenty of time to process and respond to information. 

Working with professionals who understand your and your partner’s needs and can encourage positive and productive communication is key. These could include mediators, disability advocates, or mental health professionals who can give informed advice and assist both of you in expressing and prioritising your needs.

It’s important to always set realistic expectations for yourself and your partner during this process. Understand that things may take longer or require more patience than you might have first expected. Be prepared for setbacks, remain as flexible as possible in your approach, and be kind to yourself. 

Legal considerations

The legal aspects of divorce and or separation can be overwhelming. Finding a lawyer (and other professionals where relevant) who can guide you through the process while respecting your needs and wishes is very important. If there is a particular way you like to learn, ask questions or give feedback, communicate these to your lawyer and any other professionals you work with so they can be open to your needs. This also helps them to address any challenges or concerns you may have in a timely and supportive way. 

Some autistic people look for a lawyer who has previous experience supporting clients on the autism spectrum. Others may work with someone who does not have experience with autistic clients but is still respectful and understanding of their client’s individual strengths and needs.

Financial considerations

Financial negotiations can be particularly challenging during a divorce/separation with an autistic spouse. Break down these discussions into simple, manageable parts that all parties can understand. Using different ways of communicating information (e.g., using charts or spreadsheets to support verbal discussions) can help.

Any discussions around finances must be fair and transparent. Explain the reasons behind any financial decisions you wish to make and be open to asking and receiving questions or concerns. If discussions around money become tense or unproductive, consider involving an external support person or mediator who can help everyone communicate respectfully and reach a fair agreement. 

Emotional considerations

Divorce and separation is a challenging process for everyone involved. External support from professionals like a psychologist can help autistic and neurotypical people process their feelings and develop healthy coping strategies. Finding support groups for people going through a divorce or for autistic adults can also be helpful, as they provide a sense of community and shared experience.  

Prioritising self-care and behaviours that promote your wellbeing is also important during this time. Make sure you are addressing the physical, emotional and social areas of your health. Speaking regularly to family, friends, colleagues and others in your support network can help to hold you accountable and gain helpful advice. 

Try to have positive interactions with your spouse whenever possible and focus on maintaining a respectful and cooperative relationship. Positive interactions can help reduce stress and promote a more amicable relationship during and after divorce.

Child arrangements, co-parenting and divorce

Co-parenting presents unique challenges and opportunities, especially when one or both parents are autistic. Here are some things to consider:

Making a co-parenting plan

Work collaboratively with your co-parent to create a structured, detailed co-parenting plan outlining custody arrangements, visitation schedules, and parenting responsibilities. This plan should address the needs of everyone involved, including the children and parents. Clear guidelines can help reduce misunderstandings and provide stability for both your ex-partner and children.

When making this plan, review your and your partner’s current routines to identify who can be responsible for what tasks. It is also important to consider the stress levels involved with different responsibilities in co-parenting and to spread out high-stress activities with recovery time in between to prevent burnout. 

Autistic individuals often thrive on routine and predictability. Avoid making last-minute changes to the schedule, as surprises can be highly stressful and may negatively impact both the autistic parent and the children. Ensure that any unavoidable changes are communicated well in advance, allowing plenty of time for adjustment.

Managing day-to-day

Clear, consistent communication is important in any co-parenting arrangement. For autistic parents, in particular, direct communication helps understand and meet the needs of both parents and children. Regular check-ins with your co-parent to discuss schedules, concerns, and necessary adjustments. If your children are not aware that one or both of their parents are autistic, it can be helpful to explain this sooner rather than later. This can help them understand their parent’s strengths, needs and preferences and why things are done a certain way in their house compared to their other parent. There are different ways to explain autism to children in age-appropriate terms. 

Consider if there are activities or responsibilities that you or your partner find challenging and how these can be addressed in the co-parenting arrangement. For example, an autistic parent might find it challenging to take their children to a shopping centre due to their sensory sensitivities, as these places can be incredibly bright, noisy and crowded. This could be an activity that children do with their other parent, or if it can’t be avoided, an autistic parent could be given more time to recover at home to prevent sensory overload or autistic burnout. 

Both parents should adapt their living spaces to be sensory-friendly to maintain consistency between homes. This may include reducing clutter, controlling noise levels, and creating quiet zones for relaxation. Be aware of sensory triggers experienced by some family members and work to reduce these as much as possible. 

Self-care throughout the transition to co-parenting is incredibly important. Getting enough sleep, eating well, exercising and prioritising your mental health are very important. Autistic burnout and carer’s burnout are serious issues that involve a long recovery time and make parenting extremely difficult. Prioritise rest, seek support where possible and try to pursue hobbies or interests outside of your role as a parent or your workplace. Professional support can be very useful during this time. 

Adjusting to new routines and expectations can take longer for autistic individuals. Neurotypical co-parents should practice patience and understanding, allowing extra time for transitions and changes. Flexibility and patience are very important when co-parenting with an autistic ex-partner. Be willing to adjust plans as needed and approach challenges with a calm and understanding mindset.

Addressing challenges

Misunderstandings between co-parents can arise due to differences in communication styles and expectations. Address these promptly and try understanding each other’s perspectives before jumping to conclusions. Mediation or family counselling can help resolve conflicts and improve communication.

External pressures from extended family, friends, or society can add stress to the co-parenting dynamic. Stay focused on what works best for your family and communicate boundaries clearly. Educate those around you about autism and your and your partner’s specific needs, but remember, as long as your family feels safe and supported, you are doing the right thing. 

Moving forward

Divorce or separation is a significant life change, but with the right strategies and support, it is possible to navigate the process successfully. Continue to seek ongoing support for both yourself and your partner. This can include therapy, support groups, or professional guidance.

Focus on the future and the positive changes that can come from the divorce. Embrace new opportunities and be open to building a new life post-divorce. Maintain a positive mindset and approach challenges with resilience. Remember that while the process may be difficult, achieving a successful and amicable outcome for everyone involved is possible.