Navigating friendships and autism

Building meaningful social connections can be a fulfilling part of life, and for many autistic adults, it presents unique challenges and opportunities.

Whether it's managing anxiety, navigating a conversation or finding the right social group, forming and maintaining friendships involves a lot of skills and effort. By understanding the benefits of friendships and how to navigate their challenges, autistic people can form meaningful and positive friendships. 

Why can friendships be challenging?

Friendships are complex, particularly for those with autism, who can find the process of forming friendships more challenging than a neurotypical person might. Here are some reasons you or an autistic person you know might find friendships overwhelming: 

Navigating conversation

For many autistics, initiating and maintaining a conversation can be overwhelming. They might struggle with selecting the right words or worry excessively about sharing their interests, fearing disinterest or judgment from others. Anxiety can intensify these challenges, sometimes leading to moments where they may become tongue-tied or forget their thoughts entirely. These experiences can prevent autistic people from engaging in casual and meaningful conversations, which are often foundational to friendships.

Interpreting non-verbal cues

Understanding body language, facial expressions, and gestures can be particularly challenging for individuals with autism. Misinterpreting these cues can lead to misunderstandings about others' intentions or feelings. For example, a person with autism might not recognise certain gestures meant to convey friendliness or misread a conversation's emotional context. This can make it harder to tell the difference between genuine and superficial social gestures, impacting social interactions and the development of trust within friendships.

Coping with changes and compromise

Autistics often find comfort in routine and predictability, which helps to alleviate anxiety. However, the dynamic nature of relationships can lead to frequent changes in plans or social expectations, which can be difficult to accept and adapt to. This rigidity in thinking can strain friendships, especially if changes are taken personally or if they disrupt a person’s preferred routines.

Miscommunications in social situations

Sometimes, the eagerness to connect with others can lead individuals with autism to behave in ways that are perceived as overly friendly or intense. Without fully grasping social boundaries or norms, others might misinterpret their actions, leading to awkwardness or social rejection. Finding a balance between how much to share and when can be delicate.

Emotional regulation

Understanding and managing emotions is a key part of navigating friendships, yet this can be a difficulty for people with autism. They might feel overwhelmed by their emotions, such as anxiety or jealousy, without fully understanding why these feelings are occurring. This can lead to confusion and miscommunications in friendships, making it harder to maintain stable relationships.

Self-esteem and confidence

Low self-esteem and a lack of confidence can affect an individual's ability to create new friendships. People with autism might be overly critical of themselves, especially in social contexts, feeling less competent or deserving of friendships compared to others.

Experiencing anxiety in social settings

Social situations can often generate a significant amount of anxiety for individuals with autism due to heightened self-awareness and the pressure to conform to social expectations. This anxiety can be even more pronounced when interacting with friends as opposed to strangers, stemming from a desire to meet perceived friendship norms and maintain social connections. The fear of not living up to these informal social contracts can be paralysing and hinder conversations and friendships.

Past negative experiences

Previous experiences of social rejection or failed friendships can leave lasting emotional scars, making some autistics wary of new relationships. They may hold onto these negative expectations, affecting their approach to new social opportunities and interactions. The fear of repeating past pains can prevent them from engaging fully in the present and forming new, positive relationships.

Maintaining friendships

The ongoing effort required to maintain a friendship can be overwhelming, particularly for those who find it hard to judge the frequency and tone of communication needed to maintain a friendship. Misunderstandings can lead to feelings of rejection or neglect, creating anxiety and frustration.

Building a support network

Finding a community of like-minded individuals who understand and accept you can significantly improve your quality of life. This support network can be a source of strength and validation, especially if you feel isolated in other areas of your life.

Online communities

Numerous forums and social media groups can provide support and connection. These platforms can be particularly useful for those who find face-to-face interactions challenging.

Local support groups

Many communities have support groups where autistic individuals and their families can meet to share experiences and advice.

Interest-based clubs

Joining clubs or groups based on your interests can also be a great way to meet people who share your passions and who may naturally be more understanding of your quirks and communication style. Whether it’s a local book club, a cooking class, or an online forum specifically for autistic individuals, shared interests provide a natural conversation starter that can ease the pressures of socialising.

Workplace groups

For autistic adults who are employed, asking about or suggesting after-work activities can be a great way to build relationships both inside and outside of work.

Online friendships

For many autistic individuals, the internet can be a sanctuary where they can interact and form friendships without the anxiety associated with face-to-face interactions. Online platforms offer a space to connect with others with similar interests and experiences, fostering a sense of belonging and community.

However, these friendships also require vigilance and clear boundaries to prevent issues such as cyberbullying. Having open conversations about boundaries with online friends or encouraging autistic people you know to have these conversations is vital for staying safe online. 

If cyberbullying or other issues with online friends occur, it's important not to engage with the perpetrator. Create a record of all communication or instances of harassment, as you may need these if you wish to report them (e.g., using screenshots). Block the user to prevent them from contacting you again, and where possible, report their account and activity - this is usually possible on most social media platforms. 

It’s important to seek support from people you trust, such as family members, friends or professionals, if you are being cyberbullied. This can relieve your stress and help you discover coping strategies to maintain your wellbeing and advocate for your needs. Taking breaks from online activities is also an important step in managing anxiety. 

If you meet an online friend face-to-face for the first time, your safety must be the first priority. Meeting in a public place during the day is important, as is planning where you will go and what you will do together before you meet. This can help you decide on a fun activity without leaving your comfort zone or being pressured into anything that makes you uncomfortable. 

Telling someone you trust about who you will be meeting, where you will be going, and what you will be doing together is also very important. Contacting this person after you have finished spending time with your online friend, or asking them to meet you or pick you up, helps them know that you are safe. You could even bring another person to meet an online friend for the first time if that makes you feel more comfortable. 

Remember, it’s very important to trust your gut feeling when spending time with someone in person for the first time. If you feel uncomfortable or fearful at any point, don’t dismiss these feelings. If you need help leaving a situation safely, you could speak to someone nearby or contact someone you trust using your phone. Staff members in most restaurants and venues visited by the public have policies to assist people in dangerous situations discretely. 

Friendship strategies 

Social interaction doesn't always come spontaneously. For autistic adults, it can be beneficial to structure social activities through planning and preparation. Using a weekly schedule to allocate time for meeting existing friends or engaging in community events can provide a comforting predictability while still allowing room for new experiences. For example, introducing a new location each week—like visiting a local cafe or bookstore—can slowly expand your social environment without overwhelming the senses. Here are some things to consider when navigating new or existing friendships:

Choosing the right group

Take time in a new social group to observe their interactions and behaviour to determine if the environment feels supportive and engaging. Joining a new group doesn’t have to mean immediate full participation. Ease yourself into involvement as comfort grows, and consider the possibility of bringing along a support person if needed.

Effective communication strategies

Having a few prepared topics can be helpful when conversing with new people. Discussing common interests like weather, media, or personal hobbies can keep the conversation flowing and may lead to deeper connections. Remember to avoid potentially sensitive topics, particularly in the first few conversations with a new person, such as a person’s finances, age or personal appearance, as these topics can make people uncomfortable, particularly when discussing them with people they don’t know very well. 

Reading social cues

Interpreting whether someone wishes to continue a conversation can be challenging. Signs that someone might want to conclude a chat include not asking follow-up questions, looking around the room, or mentioning other commitments. If unsure, politely offering to change the topic or end the conversation can be a respectful approach to gauge their interest.

Managing social anxiety

Anxiety in social settings is a common experience for many autistic individuals. Extreme anxiety can significantly hinder your ability to engage socially, but addressing this anxiety directly with a medical professional can open up avenues for support and management strategies. Therapists and counsellors can provide techniques to lessen anxiety symptoms, offering advice via phone, email, or even home visits, making support accessible in various forms.

Navigating friendships after an autism diagnosis

Receiving an autism diagnosis can be a transformative experience, both for the individual diagnosed and for their family and friends. It often brings about a shift in dynamics and requires adjustments in how relationships are managed. Understanding autism and responding to the newly identified needs and experiences of an autistic individual is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships.

Telling friends about an autism diagnosis can involve a variety of responses, and not all of them may be supportive. It is important for autistic individuals to prepare for mixed reactions and to have strategies in place for dealing with potentially uncomfortable situations.

When deciding to share your diagnosis with friends, consider the following:

• Suggest credible information: Consider some websites, movies, books, or TV shows that you can recommend to help people learn more about autism. Autism: What Next? is a free digital resource for anyone looking to learn more about autism. 
• Use relatable examples: Mentioning well-known autistic individuals can help make the conversation relatable and act as an effective icebreaker.
• Set expectations: Let your friends know why you share this information and what you hope to gain from them, whether it’s understanding, support, or simply awareness.

Unfortunately, there may be situations when a person doesn’t respond to news of an autism diagnosis in the way you’d hoped. Some friends might struggle to accept the diagnosis or may respond with clichés like, “You don’t look autistic.” It’s important to express how these reactions make you feel and to advocate for your needs. This might mean asking for space, time, or a particular kind of support.

The decision to disclose an autism diagnosis in a social group that isn’t specifically oriented towards autistic people is a personal choice. Disclosure can lead to greater understanding and support from others, but it can also expose one to potential misunderstandings or biases. It’s important to weigh the benefits against the risks and perhaps discuss these considerations with people you trust before deciding to disclose in new social settings.