Navigating friendships and relationships

Everyone needs connection, and this doesn't change if you're autistic.

Relationships, whether romantic, intimate, or friendships, give us a sense of belonging and love. As autistic individuals grow up, many want to form romantic and intimate relationships, just like anyone else. However, these relationships can come with unique challenges.‍

Understanding friendships 

Friendships change over time and can be different throughout your life. As an adult, making new friends can be harder than it was during school years because there are fewer structured social settings. If you’re not working or studying, it can be even more challenging to meet new people and you might feel lonely.

For autistic adults, making and keeping friends can be particularly tough because of social anxiety, communication difficulties, and past negative experiences. It’s important to know the difference between people who are just being friendly and those who are true friends. 

Finding friends

Once you feel confident in your social skills, figuring out where to meet new people can still be tricky. Most friendships start from a shared interest rather than formal social groups. Think about what you enjoy doing, and then look for opportunities to meet others who like the same things. For example, if you enjoy drawing, see if there’s a local art group or classes at a nearby community centre.

If you find making and keeping friends difficult, you might feel even more isolated. Social situations might seem overwhelming, and it can feel like others naturally know how to communicate and interact, which can be frustrating. But remember, this isn’t always the case. As an autistic person, your social differences might make you feel misunderstood.

Navigating social situations

Here are some tips to help you handle social situations and make friends:

• Social norms: Understand common social behaviours. This can help reduce anxiety and make interactions easier.
• Practice social skills: Try role-playing exercises or join social skills groups to practice interacting with others.
• Use visual aids: Visual supports like social stories or cue cards can help you remember social cues.
• Seek professional help: Therapists or counsellors who specialise in autism can offer personalised advice and support.

Joining social groups

Connecting with people who share your interests can greatly improve your social life. Here are some ways to find and join social groups:

• Local clubs and classes: Many communities offer clubs and classes on various topics. Whether it’s a book club, sports team, or hobby class, these can be great places to meet like-minded people.
• Online communities: There are many online forums and social media groups where you can connect with others with similar interests.
• Support groups: Autism support groups provide a safe and understanding environment in which to meet new people.

Building and keeping friendships

Once you start making friends, maintaining these friendships takes effort. Here are some tips to build lasting relationships:

• ‍Stay in touch: Keep in contact with your friends through texts, phone calls, or in-person meetings.‍
• Show interest: Be genuinely interested in your friends’ lives. Ask about their interests, listen to their stories, and show empathy.‍
• Be reliable: Consistency is important in friendships. Keep your promises and be dependable.‍
• Handle conflicts: Conflicts can happen in any relationship. Learn how to resolve issues calmly and constructively.

Making and keeping friends can be challenging, but it is achievable with the right strategies and support. By understanding social norms, joining social groups, and seeking help when needed, autistic adults can build meaningful and lasting friendships. Remember, everyone’s path to friendship is different, and it’s okay to take it one step at a time. With patience and perseverance, you can find and nurture relationships that enrich your life.‍

Understanding dating and intimacy

Everyone has the right to form relationships in a respectful and healthy way. Dating and intimacy can be tricky, and many people need some help to get it right. Support can be especially helpful for autistic individuals to overcome difficulties in starting or keeping relationships.

This support might include learning how to communicate back and forth, understanding compromise, or dealing with miscommunication. It can also involve guidance on sensuality and the sensory aspects of sex and sexuality. Relationships, especially romantic ones, can be like a roller coaster with ups and downs. With the right support, these experiences can be some of life's most exciting and joyful parts.

Common challenges in relationships

Relationships are challenging and need work, especially when disagreements, stress, or conflicts arise. These challenges are normal and can happen even in healthy relationships. No relationship is perfect all the time.

Autistic individuals might face specific challenges, such as being naive to others' intentions. This can lead to being taken advantage of, manipulated, or even abused. It's possible to be in a toxic or unsafe relationship without realising it.

Signs of an unhealthy relationship

Recognising the signs of an unhealthy relationship is important so you can seek help if needed. Here are some red flags:

• Unequal workloads: One person doing all the housework or childcare.
• Broken promises: Repeatedly failing to keep promises.
• Isolation from friends and family: Your partner tries to keep you away from your support network.
• Humiliation and insults: Belittling comments or ableist remarks.
• Gaslighting: Making you doubt your own experiences or reality.
• Manipulation and control: Being forced into doing things you don’t want to do.
• Narcissistic behaviour: A partner who is very self-centred and lacks empathy.
• Disrespect: Consistently showing a lack of respect for your feelings and boundaries.
• Giving in to keep the peace: Frequently giving in or submitting to avoid conflict.
• Fear of your partner: Feeling afraid to speak up or express your needs.
• Criticism of appearance or intelligence: Negative comments about your appearance or intellect.
• Financial abuse: Controlling or misusing your money.
• Domestic violence and emotional abuse: Any form of physical or emotional harm inflicted by your partner.

Building healthy relationships

Developing and maintaining healthy relationships involves mutual respect, understanding, and effort from both partners. Here are some tips for building healthy relationships:

• ‍Communication: Talk openly and honestly. Share your thoughts and feelings, and listen to your partner.‍
• Boundaries: Set and respect each other’s limits. Discuss and agree on what’s okay and what’s not.‍
• Support: Encourage each other’s goals and dreams. Help each other grow.‍
• Compromise: Be willing to find solutions that work for both of you.‍
• Trust: Build and keep trust through honesty and consistent actions.‍
• Conflict resolution: Learn healthy ways to solve disagreements. Focus on solutions, not blame.‍
• Equality: Share responsibilities and decisions equally. No one should feel overburdened.

Seeking help and support

If you’re having trouble with relationships, getting help from a professional can be very useful. Therapists, counsellors, and support groups can offer advice and strategies for building and maintaining healthy relationships. There are also resources and organisations specifically for autistic individuals such as Birds and Bees.

The importance of self-care

Taking care of yourself is key to maintaining healthy relationships. Spend time on your interests, ensure your mental and physical wellbeing, and take breaks when needed. Self-care helps you be a better partner and strengthens your ability to contribute positively to your relationship.

Building and maintaining relationships, whether romantic or otherwise, is an ongoing process. For autistic individuals, this can come with unique challenges, but with the right support and strategies, healthy and fulfilling relationships are possible. Communicate openly, respect boundaries, and seek help when needed. Relationships are an important part of life, and everyone deserves to experience the love, support, and joy they bring.