Becoming an autistic parent

Becoming a parent is a significant decision in a person’s life.

Parenthood brings about many new responsibilities that shape both parents and their children, and deciding to have children is a big decision that should be considered carefully. It is a deeply personal decision that should be based on you feeling ready and willing, not the pressures or expectations placed on you by others. 

Anyone can be a fantastic parent if they are willing to nurture, love and support their children, regardless of their neurology. This includes parents who are autistic, neurodivergent or live with a disability. It is also equally valid for someone to choose not to have children, including autistic people. Many adults have meaningful relationships with children without being a parent, such as being an aunt or uncle. Others might find other caregiving roles more fulfilling, such as being a pet owner. 

Parenting is a unique journey for everyone, and autistic parents may have distinct strengths and challenges that arise during the process. Before diving into parenthood, it's crucial to consider the various stages of having a child and the support you might need.

Pregnancy, childbirth and the early days of parenthood

Pregnancy and childbirth can bring both joy and challenges, and for autistic people, these experiences may have additional complexities that require additional support. Evidence suggests that autistic individuals may experience different challenges during pregnancy and childbirth than neurotypical people.

Many autistic people experience sensory sensitivities, which can feel more severe during pregnancy. This can include increased sensitivity to sounds, lights, textures, and smells. The changes in the body and the new sensations associated with pregnancy can be overwhelming, leading to increased stress and anxiety.

Communication with healthcare professionals can be challenging for autistic individuals for a variety of reasons. Standard information and support may not be tailored to their specific needs, leading to feelings of confusion and frustration. Expressing yourself clearly, asking questions, and expressing concerns can be difficult, especially when under stress. Autistic people may also feel that when they do share their concerns, they are not taken seriously or that healthcare providers are judging them, which can lead to a reluctance to speak up over time. 

There can be significant anxiety around disclosing autism to healthcare providers due to potential stigma or poor treatment. Autistic individuals may worry about being perceived as less capable parents or carers or facing discrimination, making them less likely to share important information about themselves and their needs.

Identifying and managing pain is an important part of managing pregnancy and childbirth. Autistic individuals might process pain differently, which can affect their pain thresholds and responses to interventions such as medication. Some autistic people struggle to identify sensations such as pain, hunger or temperature changes, which can delay their access to pain relief and support. The way some autistic people communicate or express pain can also be different or difficult for healthcare providers to understand, leading to misunderstandings or compromised care. 

These factors can lead to increased stress, meltdowns, or shutdowns, especially if sensory overload occurs and physical or emotional needs are not adequately met. It is important for autistic people and those who are supporting them through pregnancy, such as their partner, spouse, family member or friend, to be aware of these common challenges and the support strategies below to access the care they need and deserve. 

Support strategies during pregnancy and childbirth

Open and early communication with healthcare providers about being autistic and any specific support or healthcare needs is a vital first step. Creating or carrying documents that outline needs, preferences and helpful accommodations can prevent miscommunication and help autistic people build a positive and productive relationship with their healthcare providers. 

Another great idea is to bring a supportive person to appointments to help with communicating these needs and preferences. This person can assist with recording important information, asking questions, and encouraging effective communication between you and your healthcare providers. They can also help raise any concerns if this is something that you find challenging. Making notes or using a voice memo app to record important appointments can help you review information later to avoid forgetting details or prepare any questions you have before your next appointment. 

Having people to advocate for your needs is important during any pregnancy, particularly if you are autistic. Some will hire doulas or an independent midwife who has experience supporting autistic people; others will find the support of their partner, family, or friends is enough. 

If you are giving birth in a hospital or maternity unit (public or private), request a tour of the ward or location where you plan to give birth. This can reduce anxiety and make spending time in the hospital less overwhelming. If possible, meeting some or all of the people who will be assisting during the birth (e.g., nurses and midwives) can also help with anxiety. It can also help you to identify any issues that could arise during childbirth, such as strong lights or hospital smells, and plan to reduce or navigate these. Bringing sensory comfort items from home to the hospital can help manage sensory sensitivities. Items like weighted blankets, noise-cancelling headphones, or familiar objects can provide comfort during childbirth or even during pregnancy. 

Reading about other autistic people's experiences of pregnancy and childbirth can provide valuable insights and tips. Understanding that each experience is unique can help set realistic expectations and reduce pressure from societal portrayals of 'perfect' pregnancies.

Pregnancy and childbirth can be unpredictable, and it is very likely that your pregnancy will be different in some way from the ones you read or hear about. Preparing for various possible outcomes can help manage expectations and reduce anxiety. Flexibility in your birth plan can make it easier to adapt to changing circumstances. You are doing the right thing if you put your needs first to keep yourself and your baby safe and well.

For more information about pregnancy, birthing and parenting babies in Australia, visit the Pregnancy, Birth and Baby website.

The early days of parenting

The early stages of childcare demand a lot of time, energy, and patience. Planning for these demands and having a flexible support plan that can be re-evaluated as needed is very important. Your self-awareness and self-advocacy skills are invaluable. Understanding your needs and having robust support plans can help manage the demands of parenting.

There is a lot to learn about caring for a new baby, and it is very normal to feel a bit confused or overwhelmed by all the new information and changes to your routine to accommodate your baby. You may be given information by medical staff that have supported you during your birth; ask them to communicate this information in a way that suits your learning style and don’t be afraid to clarify anything you don’t understand. 

It is also common for family members, friends and sometimes total strangers to offer more informal advice about raising a baby. Again, if this information is confusing to you, don’t be afraid to clarify it. Sometimes, informal advice can be very helpful, but other times, it might be outdated or unhelpful in your family’s situation. Remember that you don’t need to follow every piece of advice you are given. Over time, you’ll discover what works for you and your family; shift your focus to what works rather than forcing something that doesn’t. 

Your baby's arrival marks a significant change in your life, and it's important to take care of yourself so you can care for your newborn. Seeking help during the early days of parenting can help - this could be from family members, friends, support workers or healthcare staff (e.g., home nurses). There is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way for your support network to assist you when raising a newborn - some new parents might enjoy direct help with their baby, while others might find it useful for someone to help them maintain the house or complete errands while they focus on their child. Make sure that anyone who handles your baby is healthy and up-to-date with their vaccinations.

Having people visit your home to help you with your baby is different to having guests come and visit you and your baby. Although it can be nice to have visitors see you and meet your baby, this can also be emotionally and socially draining, potentially leading to burnout. It is okay to limit visitors if you don’t feel ready or you feel this is best for you and your baby’s health; don’t feel guilty about prioritising your family’s needs.

Parenting can be stressful, particularly in the early days when you are still learning how best to care for your baby and yourself. Remember to be kind to yourself as you gain knowledge and confidence when it comes to supporting yourself and your baby. As long as you are putting your and your baby’s health, wellbeing and safety first, you are doing a good job. 

Some parents can struggle with their health and wellbeing in the early days of parenting; these concerns must be addressed quickly. Autistic parents are more likely to develop postnatal depression (this includes mothers and fathers) and other mental health challenges. Monitor your mental health and seek professional support if you need it; it will only benefit you and your family. 

The benefits of being an autistic parent

Parents on the autism spectrum also have notable strengths that can benefit them when parenting. These strengths include:

Organisational skills

A love of structure and routines can help many parents on the autism spectrum develop highly organised family routines. These routines provide certainty and stability, benefiting their children and themselves. Many autistic individuals excel in providing structure, which can be beneficial for all children, especially autistic ones.

Focus and research skills

Many autistic individuals have deep focus and strong research skills. These abilities can help them learn about parenting and focus on their children's needs and development.

Observational skills

Being highly observant allows parents on the autism spectrum to be deeply tuned in to their surroundings and potential problems. This skill is vital for all parents, enabling them to care effectively for their children.

Advocacy skills

Autistic parents can be powerful advocates for their children, ensuring they receive the support and understanding they need. They can easily frame their children's challenges positively, embrace their neurodiversity and advocate for their rights.

Empathy and understanding

Having experienced life on the autism spectrum, these parents can understand and empathise with their children’s struggles, whether their children are autistic or neurotypical. This empathy helps them support their children when they face social pressures or don’t conform to conventional norms. 

Positive role models

Parents on the autism spectrum can be positive role models for their children, especially if the children are also on the spectrum. Observing a parent who is comfortable with their autism can teach children acceptance and coping mechanisms. 

Common challenges

While there are many benefits, there are also challenges that autistic parents may face:

Social skills and networking

One of the primary challenges for parents on the autism spectrum is navigating social interactions, which are often a significant part of everyday parenting. Activities such as arranging playdates, meeting other parents, communicating with teachers, and attending school events can be daunting and sometimes overwhelming. Autistic parents might have fewer social connections to rely on.

Many autistic parents find advocating for their children in social situations, at school and with health professionals particularly challenging. This advocacy is crucial, especially when both the parent and child are on the spectrum and the child requires strong support and understanding. 

Autistic parents often worry that their social difficulties may affect their ability to help their children socialise. Teaching social skills can be particularly challenging if the parents themselves find these areas difficult. Building a support network and practising social scripts can be beneficial.

Sensory sensitivities

Parenting often involves dealing with noise, smell, mess, and the general chaos of family life. For individuals on the autism spectrum with particular sensory sensitivities, this chaos can be especially overwhelming. Managing sensory sensitivities while caring for children can be a delicate balancing act, requiring strategies to find time and space away from sensory stimulation.

Taking the time and space to self-regulate, particularly if sensory overload feels possible,  is critical for maintaining mental wellbeing. Having a dedicated quiet space you can use and strategies for emotional regulation can help. 

Routine and flexibility

The ability to adapt to changing situations is essential in family life. Children can disrupt routines, which might be difficult if you rely on structure. Managing family schedules and preparing for unexpected changes can also be more challenging.

For some parents on the autism spectrum, disruptions to their routine can prompt intense emotional reactions and meltdowns. Developing effective coping techniques, creating realistic plans and schedules, and maintaining a balance between routine and flexibility is helpful in managing family dynamics.

Mental health concerns

Postpartum depression and other mental health issues such as anxiety and depression can be significant concerns for parents on the autism spectrum. The myths and misconceptions others have about autism can cause feelings of alienation, guilt, loneliness and inadequacy for autistic parents when they compare themselves to their neurotypical peers. Some autistic parents may worry frequently about not meeting societal expectations of parenting.

Seeking help for mental health issues is crucial, but many autistic parents may hesitate to do so, fearing it might be seen as an inability to cope with parenting. Recognising and addressing these mental health concerns is essential for the wellbeing of both the parent and the child.

Common misconceptions about autistic parents

Many misconceptions about autism lead to incorrect assumptions about autistic people's ability to raise children. Here are some examples:

It’s important to remember that being autistic does not mean you cannot be a loving and responsible parent. You have the same right to parenthood and support along your parenting journey as anyone else, regardless of what anyone says or tries to make you feel. 

Support for autistic parents

Having support as an autistic parent can be very beneficial. Here are some options you can explore:

Building a support system

Having a reliable support network is crucial for all parents, but it can be particularly important for autistic parents. Involve trusted individuals such as family members or friends in your parenting journey who understand your needs and can offer support. Remember, there is no ‘one’ way to have a support network; they just need to have your best interests in mind and actively show up for you when you need them. 

Creating time to recharge

Parents on the autism spectrum must find time to recharge personally. Building structure and routine into family and personal daily life can help manage stress and maintain mental health.

Connecting with autistic and neurodivergent parents

Connecting with other parents on the autism spectrum can provide validation, empathy, and practical support. Sharing experiences with others who understand the unique challenges can be incredibly reassuring. Joining online or local support groups can provide a sense of community.

Finding parenting mentors

A parenting mentor—a relative, friend, or community member—can provide valuable advice and support. These mentors can act as role models and offer a listening ear.

Use books, videos and websites

Books and websites dedicated to autism parenting can offer practical advice and insights. You can also access and revisit these in your own time and from the comfort of your home, making them much more accessible and often less daunting than social groups or formal support.

Attend parenting classes

Participating in parenting classes or courses can teach essential skills and provide a deeper understanding of the "unwritten rules" of parenting.

Seek advocacy support

Finding a disability advocate to assist with communication in schools, medical settings, and other professional environments can help ensure that the needs of both the parent and child are met.

Use disability services

Accessing disability services can offer practical help with daily tasks such as cooking, cleaning, advocacy, and respite care, relieving some of the burdens of everyday life.

Seek professional help

Seeking professional help with family communication, including parent-child and partner communication, can be very beneficial. Individual or family therapy can help identify problems and develop effective solutions, focusing on managing the challenges of living on the autism spectrum rather than trying to change them. Occupational therapy and cognitive behavioural therapy are good examples of beneficial therapies for autistic adults if you’re not sure where to start. 

The importance of openness, awareness and acceptance

Understanding and accepting autism can significantly impact a parent's ability to cope with the challenges they face. For those who receive a diagnosis later in life, it can provide clarity and understanding about their experiences and behaviours.

Knowing what being on the spectrum entails—such as sensory sensitivities, emotional regulation, and communication styles—can help parents manage the challenges of parenting. It also enables them to access appropriate support and services, benefiting both themselves and their families.

Being open about your autism and your needs can encourage understanding and support from others. This openness can also reduce the stigma associated with autism, promoting a more inclusive and supportive environment for both the parent and child. 

Be open with your child about your autism and encourage them to ask questions. This openness creates fosters understanding and respect. Actively listen to your child's needs and concerns. This practice builds trust and strengthens your bond. Teach your child about neurodiversity and the importance of respecting differences. This education can help them be more empathetic and accepting of others, whether they are autistic or not.